The Misadventures of Chester B Humpledincker
by jaqsa
Summary: Now split into chapters! O/C: Chester B. Humpledincker: The mistake Mother Nature didn't want to admit to; a face that would make Voldemort grimace, and a brain that could only be summed up by one word: deficient. The anti-hero the world hates to love...
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer- All the characters you recognise are owned by JK Rowling. The ones you don't, we created. Obviously. The following work is meant to be a parody and should be taken lightly.  
  
The Misadventures of Chester B. Humpledincker  
  
So It Begins.  
  
It started with jam. It would end the same way.  
  
A lorry is making it's way down a deserted country lane, the word 'Hartley' painted on its side. The driver we see can only be described as a biological mess; a face not even a mother could love. Nature had indeed broken the mould with Chester B. Humpledincker. It had in fact not just broken it but ground it to little pieces, locked it in the bottom of a filing cabinet, put a 'Danger: Leper Colony' sticker on it, placed the filing cabinet in a cellar, then set fire to the building it was in and walked away whistling to the universal tune of abdicated responsibility. Chester was a lorry driver. It was strange that he could prosper in a world of tattoos, red meat, string vests and excessive facial hair. But he did i.e. no one had tried/succeeded in killing him yet. Although Nature had tried to stamp him out Chester was surviving. Once Chester went to visit his grandmother's farm, aged five. In a strange twist of fate he had been chased into the pigpen by a pack of wild geese, then rounded up by the local butcher and loaded into a livestock truck. Lady Luck was on his side (inexplicably, as all womankind tried to get as far from Chester's side as physically possible) on the way to the abattoir that stormy day. A large oak tree fell across the road just inches in front of the truck and the herd had to be unloaded at the side of the road. Cold and soaking wet from the rain Chester escaped and made his way back home where his family welcomed him with open arms. Firearms that is. An embarrassment to the family Chester was forced to seek refuge with the local undertaker, carving out a career in grave digging before falling flat on his face. Literally. Six feet down, in a grave, he lay concussed. As he looked remarkably like a corpse anyway and nobody really could stomach touching him- too high a chance of lancing a pus-filled boil, as one poor lad knew to his cost, (the last anyone has heard of him he had accidentally bumped into Chester then clutched his eyes screaming "It burns! It burns like acid!" before running out)- they started to bury him. After having to claw his way out of several feet of dirt Chester lost all confidence in the world of undertaking. He became a loner and took to the road, transporting local produce (namely jam) here and there. He didn't exactly enjoy the job but at least it kept him busy. And out of trouble. Until now.  
  
**********************  
  
This isn't Chester's normal route, and at a closer glance we realise he is speeding and constantly looking back over his shoulder in a very nervous manner. Consequently he doesn't notice when a hooded figure appears in the road. Chester beeps his horn to no avail. The figure is twiddling at their neck with their left hand, a curious gesture. As Chester swerves to avoid it this is the only thing he remembers, apart from how frumpy that robe was, "I mean, everybody looks good in black, but this person just looks positively dowdy and oh shit I'm going to die a virgin," (not that he had had much expectations in that department). Meanwhile.  
  
**********************  
  
Introducing Sebastian  
  
Professor Severus Snape is sitting at his desk down in the dark, dank depths of the dreary dungeons (N.B. quadruple word score for alliteration). There is a knock at the door. Enter Sebastian, spotty, an unfortunate shade of ginger, wearing a beret and carrying a second hand copy of Sartre. There is a universal truth rarely acknowledged that the gene carrying flame coloured hair is also curiously located near the gene that dims the wit, notable exceptions being Basil Brush and Albus Dumbledore in his former years. Thus, to put it succinctly, Sebastian is a fool. But at least he is an earnest fool. So that's okay then.  
  
The door creaks open.  
  
Sebastian: Uncle, I.ah.oh. (He looks downcast)  
  
*pause*  
  
Snape: What is it.Sebastian? Can't you see I'm arranging unicorn hairs?  
  
*even longer pause*  
  
Sebastian: I.  
  
*The Pause has become a whole new character in the conversation*  
  
Snape: Yes?  
  
Pause- *Looks at his watch*  
  
Sebastian: I think I'd better go.  
  
Pause- *sigh*  
  
Snape: Yes, I think you'd better.  
  
Sebastian turns and begins to walk away, looking dejectedly at the floor.  
  
Snape: Sebastian.  
  
Sebastian: Yes? (Hope radiates across his face)  
  
Snape: That's a painting of your dead great uncle Spartacus that you're about to walk through, although I will give it to you, he did look remarkably.door-shaped.  
  
Sebastian's pasty face twists into absolute dejection as he reaches the door just in time to hear Sevvy mutter "idiot". He runs from the dungeon, sobbing like the big girl's blouse he is. What an absurd twist of fate it was that the only ginger boy to be born in a family known for its pitch black bouffants and low tolerance levels would then hero-worship the man who made Anne Robinson cry. Seb wasn't that bad really, it was just that the idea that being himself was a terrible thing had been drummed into him at a very early age, so he tried to create a variety of personas for himself, the one of the moment being an arty intellectual. He was something of a twit but you had to feel sorry for him.  
  
********************** 


	2. Chapter 2

Meanwhile.  
  
All is black. Gradually Chester regains consciousness, to the murmur of voices  
  
1st Voice *Heavy Swedish accent*- Good God! But I thought leprosy had died out.  
  
2nd Voice- No.I think, that's just the way he looks.  
  
1st Voice- Ah still at least his face is in reasonable working order, look.  
  
2nd Voice- That's not his face you're pointing to!  
  
1st Voice- What?.Oh Jesus! *sounds of retching are heard"  
  
2nd Voice- Steady, steady, remember when we were in Slovakia? Everywhere there were decomposing bodies, blown-off limbs.  
  
2nd Voice- This is worse.  
  
1st Voice- (pause) Yeah this is. Hold on shh, I think he's waking up.  
  
Chester cannot seem to remember how he got here; the last few hours seem a blank. He suddenly remembers he was driving down a road, but why he cannot remember. He opens his eyes to see two men crouching over him.  
  
1st Man- You all right?  
  
Chester- Well I've just survived a horrific car accident. Which is quite a good day for me actually. Only really feels like a few broken ribs, and a dislocated shoulder, no life threatening surgery for once.  
  
1st Man- Er right  
  
Chester- One question though. Why am I tied to an uncomfortable wooden chair in the middle of a packing warehouse?  
  
The 1st man (who as it turns out looks something like the man who you might see down Sainsbury's, like the other Bee Gee, he is instantly forgettable. The 2nd is of course the obligatory albino) looks at Chester and licks his lips in a curiously disturbing way. It suddenly occurs to Chester that this isn't just any old packing warehouse.no no no, this is a meat-packing warehouse. Memories of being confined in the back of a lorry, surrounded by hordes of cattle come flooding back. That feeling of anticipation as death draws ever nearer. And that unholy smell of the fresh corpses of the unfortunate beasts.yes, that oh-too-familiar smell, which has now returned, wafting past, then stopping to linger under Chester's nose as if to say "haven't I seen you somewhere before?" Because of course, this is the meatpacking warehouse that adjoins an abattoir. The question remains as to where exactly the meat comes from, as Chester can hear no sound or see any trace of livestock.  
  
Anyway, here is Chester, a lot closer to an abattoir than he would ever like to be, considering his past experience with the places. After one of those dreadfully uncomfortable silences, in which tumbleweeds are employed to roll past unexpectedly in that way that tumbleweeds do, the first man speaks.  
  
1st Man- Well, so you wouldn't get away of course.  
  
He looks at the 2nd man as if Chester is a complete dumbass, the 2nd man emits a low hysterical giggle. Chester begins to look extremely uncomfortable, less due to his physical predicament and more due to the fact that the albino's pink eyes are fixed uncomfortably and mysteriously on Chester's groin area.  
  
The albino still with his eyes fixed on Chester, whispers something in the 1st mans ear.  
  
1st Man- Not yet Snowy, we'll see if there's time for that later.  
  
Chester gulps in a panicky fashion. Then he calms realising he's been in worse fixes before. He can get through this. Determined not to show his fear he begins a vain attempt at friendly banter.  
  
Chester- His name's Snowy? So what is yours, Tintin? *he attempts to snicker*  
  
1st Man- Yes actually it is  
  
Chester- Oh. So how..?  
  
Tintin- It's just coincidence really.  
  
Chester- Oh. Right.  
  
Tintin: We found you lying by the side of the road - you were in a bit of a mess to say the least, although it looks like.well, maybe you always look like that. Anyway, we thought you were dead. So we decided to pick you up, and anyway, to cut a long story short we decided to bring you here and sell you to some cannibals. You see, we trade in humans. It's all the rage you know. Sometimes they're prepared and packed up, hence the abattoir and warehouse, but other times we deliver fresh. *He looks at Chester meaningfully*  
  
All this while Chester is hyperventilating, and he also feels his irritable bowl syndrome flare up. Standing a good few feet away (like anybody would, given the state of decay Chester is in) is our Obligatory Albino, Snowy, silently pondering on the mysteries of life no doubt while still fixating on Chester's groin.  
  
It suddenly occurs to Chester how positively ironic this whole situation is. After all, even the most amateur cannibal could tell you that Chester would not be up to food hygiene standards. Not even for dog food. In fact, Chester had once been passing a butchers shop, when all of a sudden some men in white suites arrived and warned that anybody caught within a ten metre radius of Chester would be arrested and fined under the Health and Safety Act. Anyway, going back to the situation at hand, Chester isn't really in a state to argue.)  
  
Tintin- But we can let you go. If you answer some questions for us that is.  
  
Chester scrutinises him suspiciously.  
  
Tintin- Scouts honour *misshapen grin*  
  
Chester- *nervous smile* Fire away.  
  
Tintin- Full name?  
  
Chester - Chester B Humpledincker.  
  
Tintin- what does the B stand for?  
  
Chester- *pauses* Belfry.  
  
Tintin- Is that even a name?  
  
Chester shrugs weakly- It was my grandmother's name.  
  
Tintin- Right.so what about your family?  
  
Chester- Well I live on my own. My family threw me out many years ago, when my grandmother died. She was the only one who really cared about me. For some reason they never told me they hated me.  
  
Tintin- That's rough son.  
  
*Snowy wipes away a tear*  
  
Tintin *slowly*- But it also means that no- one's going to miss you when you're gone.  
  
Chester- When I'm gone? But I have answered your questions! You said you'd let me go!!  
  
Tintin- Well here's your first lesson in life.  
  
He smiles and leans over Chester.  
  
Tintin- Never trust a man who's tied you up to an uncomfortable chair in the middle of a meat packing warehouse.  
  
Chester- But.but you can't sell me for human consumption! (desperately)- Snowy! You don't want to leave me here do you? You can *he swallows* have your way with me if you like.  
  
Snowy looks deeply affronted.  
  
Tintin- *looks annoyed* What are you suggesting?  
  
Chester- Well the way he stared at my, er, crotch and everything. (He trails off)  
  
Tintin- *coldly* Snowy collects zips.  
  
Snowy- Your flies are a very rare 1985 Grosch-Muller double teeth design.  
  
Tintin- Urgh. Honestly, I am insulted that you would even think of such a thing. Just because we trade in human livestock suddenly we're capable of anything.  
  
Chester- Oh, right.  
  
Tintin- Unscrupulous psychotics we may be but we had no intention of that sort with you. I mean have you looked at yourself recently? You've replaced the killer clown in my nightmares.  
  
Chester- Yeah I suppose you're right. I was just clutching at straws really.  
  
Tintin- Too right you were. Molesting boys isn't our style.  
  
There is an uncomfortable pause.  
  
Tintin- We both prefer sheep.  
  
Chester looks slightly taken aback.  
  
Tintin and Snowy start to discuss something in low voices. While doing so Tintin absentmindedly fiddles with a rusty meat hook hanging from the ceiling.  
  
Tintin was right about the psychotic part; although he has a singularly unmemorable face he also has, at second glance, the eyes of a madman. You may very well have seen him in Sainsbury's, and made a note not to bump into him in the frozen meats aisle. Snowy the albino under scrutiny has an almost androgynous, insane look about him - he could beat you up not by using brute force but by pulling each or your nasal hairs out one by one.with his teeth.  
  
Anyway, there will be no need for any rough and tumble at this point in our tale, for as if right on cue our antihero and his captors suddenly find themselves thrown through space in a giddying world of flashes of light and a funny little tingling sensation in their ears. 


	3. Chapter 3

Just as suddenly as this had started, it now ends, and where there was once a meatpacking warehouse there is now a dark room, with the curtains drawn and a fireplace glowing in the corner. Some might consider it a cosy room, but these people; they'd be serial killers with a mind for death. For the fire is glowing a sickly green colour, and whilst the room is thickly carpeted and adjourned with furniture and paintings, it could not be considered homely in the sense that you could put your feet up and eat a Pot Noodle on the sofa. Not unless you wished to die an excruciatingly painful death, which quite frankly, no one wants to really, do they? Chester, feeling rather taken aback by the whole travelling-through-space thing, elects to remain silent for a while, at least until he has gathered his thoughts together, which are at the moment running around all over the place like a bunch of hooligan children in a playground. To Chester's surprise, his two captors also look rather taken aback by this whole scenario, which is not particularly comforting to him. What neither Chester nor the two mismatched criminals have realised is that sitting in a dark corner of the room (in fact, the corner furthest away from the fire, where the shadows hang menacingly overhead) is sitting the Dark Lord himself. Some have unwisely (and a bit too casually) addressed him simply as "V", but even with the prefix of "Mister", the consequences are dire. For Lord Voldemort deserves some respect (even if he is married to the evil frump Judemort). There are some things that money can't buy, and some that money can buy - including wives. Alas, V (sorry, Lord Voldemort) elected for the former, but who's going to lecture him on the finer points of mail ordering brides?  
  
Voldemort- *Deep breathing of the type mastered by Darth Vader* (to Tintin) So I see you have used my portkey in the shape of that rusty meat hook to unwittingly transport yourself, your accomplice, and my dinner to my humble abode. Well done. Now leave.  
  
Tintin- Er righty-ho.but, our money?  
  
Voldemort- Oh I do apologise. (He snaps his fingers and two large hooded figures enter the room) Make sure these two gentlemen receive their payment.  
  
Chester's captors are escorted out of the room. Agonising screams of pain are heard from outside as Chester (now sweating like no man or beast has ever sweated before) stands in the centre of the room, not daring to look at the dark corner of the room where the shadowy figure lurks.  
  
**********************  
  
Meanwhile. Sebastian is lying on his bed thinking about Life. What was it all about anyway? Sebastian Snape had come to Hogwarts principally because he idolised his uncle Severus. Why? He knew not. After all, Severus wasn't exactly the most generous of wizards. In fact, Sevvy had objected to Sebs coming to stay. It was Dumbledore who had invited him - "Why Severus, your nephew is positively charming. Of course I would be delighted to have him stay as our guest here at Hogwarts. Perhaps he can put himself to good use, assisting you with your potions classes maybe?" Of course it was more out of pity that Dumbledore had allowed him to stay, for it was obvious to even Sebastian that he was just plain useless - an insult to the name of Snape. Just at the moment when Seb could not have felt any worse, not even if a flobberworm had exploded in his face, who should enter the room without so much as a tap on the door, or even a clearing of the throat to make his presence known, than our dear old Severus Snape. Looking resplendent *cough* in black flowing hooded robes, much like death on his way to a party massacre, he clears his throat.  
  
Sev- Ahem.Sebastian, I have some.business to attend to. Whilst I do not wish to.trouble you, I do have a favour to ask of you. If by some chance I have not returned by tomorrow morning, would you please cover for me in my morning potions class with the fifth year.Slytherins?  
  
Sebastian- Of course Uncle.  
  
Sev- And please just stick to the textbook, I would hate for there to be any.accidents in my absence. *his top lip begins to curl in a sneer-like fashion, and with this he swiftly exits, leaving Sebastian quaking in his little boots*  
  
***********************  
  
Voldemort- So, I see my unwitting pawns have brought me a live festering corpse. How generous. *more deep breaths*  
  
*Chester shifts uncomfortably*  
  
Voldemort- Oh well, there's no point prolonging the agony. Some may well call me humane, but I'm doing this to relieve my agony rather than yours - although I, the Dark Lord, have seen many horrors in my time (and caused a great many of them myself) even I cannot stomach the sight of you pitiful squib.  
  
Chester- Sorry, squib did you say?  
  
Voldemort- Yes, squib. A useless bloody squib! *he raises his wand.*  
  
Reader- "What, wand did you just say?"  
  
Ed- Yes, wand. Just for the uninitiated, Voldemort is no ordinary Dark Lord. He is in fact an evil wizard. So there.  
  
Voldemort- Avada.  
  
Chester- No wait!  
  
Voldemort- *increasingly heavy breathing* What? Can't you see I'm trying to kill you?  
  
Chester- Er.sorry, but what's a squib? I'd just like to know before you sentence me to an eternity of damnation.  
  
Voldemort- You don't know? Muhahahahaha! A "squib" (inverted commas hand movements) is a person born to a wizarding family who can do no magic. How in Merlin's name could you not have realised?  
  
Chester- My family disowned me at an early age. I suppose I have always wondered why the dining table suddenly grew smaller every time I attempted to join my family for dinner.or why I frequently found myself hanging upside down in thin air with my brothers and sisters laughing at me.  
  
Voldemort- Well, after that tragic story that almost could have made me pity you - if I hadn't been the Dark Lord and all - I think it's about time I put you out of my misery. *Once again he raises his wand*  
  
There is a knock at the door. Voldemort lowers his wand with a look of defeat on his face, almost as if Harry Potter himself was standing in front of him smirking.  
  
Voldemort- Oh what now? 


	4. Chapter 4

Deep velvet baritone voice from outside- My Lord, it is I Severus Snape, your humble servant, here to answer to your greatness.  
  
Voldemort- Snape. Ah yes.I was wondering when you would arrive. Enter.  
  
Snape enters the room, looking surprisingly composed considering the evil red glint in Voldemort's eyes directed his way. He glances sideways at Chester with a look that says, "Who the hell are you? And why are you even breathing the same air as me you fool"  
  
Voldemort- Ah yes, Severus, this is my good friend Chester, he's a dinner guest.but enough with the formalities- Expelliarmus!  
  
He catches Snape's wand as it leaps out from his left sleeve. Snape kneels down in front of Voldemort, who immediately raises his own wand, uttering the words "Crucio!". Snape (already on his knees of course) keels over onto the floor in a fit of pain - rather undignified for the Hogwarts potions master who usually revels in other people's misfortunes.  
  
Voldemort- Severus, Severus, tut tut, I hope this is not too painful for you. After all, I should think this is minor compared to the pang of guilt that twists like a knife in your gut each time you feel the Dark Mark burn.  
I hope this is a lesson to you that disloyalty will not be tolerated.along with excessive amounts of Brylcreem and Yves Saint Laurent cologne. I could kill you now but it gives me great pleasure to see you in such discomfort. Where is the almighty Albus Dumbledore now, when you need him the most? No, don't reply, I don't need your piteous excuses. You have failed, Snape, failed first and foremost as a Death Eater, and now failed as an ally with all those who dare to stand against me. In a matter of days Hogwarts will be mine and Dumbledore will simply be a shadow of the past. You probably realise that I lost my trust in you a long time ago.ever since your attempts to protect the Potter boy came to my attention. However, I still had my uses for you - I admit your potions making is second to none, although if I look back on it now, it seems you were just a glorified tea boy. I have been surprised by your courage - or stupidity, daring to work on both sides. You deserve no mercy, which is why you shall be imprisoned with this good-for-nothing squib that two fools tried to pass off as my dinner. And as for the Great Dumbledore.why, he is about to receive his comeuppance.  
  
During this rather dull, prolonged speech Chester, who for the most part of this tale will remain a dimwit, is suddenly blinded by a metaphorical light bulb suspended over his head in mid air.  
  
Chester- *Ah ha, I have a cunning plan* (he seemed to say) Without time to think about the potential consequences of his actions, Chester sneaks up to Voldemort and does the unthinkable. Having no magical powers of his own, he simply does what any self-respecting idiot would do (whether this be in a school playground or in one's captor's secret hideout) he reaches down and pulls Voldemort's evil-type black robes right over the Dark Lord's head.  
  
Voldemort- * in cheesy slapstick type way* Who turned out the lights??  
  
Voldemort struggles underneath his robes for a full ten minutes more than should actually be feasible for someone in his position. However it must be noted that Voldemort has not been drinking enough of the White Stuff (milk that is, not unicorn blood) - and his bones are therefore too weak for him to drag the robes off of his head and free himself. This should, in theory, give Chester and Sev enough time to escape. Sev is lying on the floor weakly trying to signal to Chester that it is time for them to make their escape. Chester however is at that moment enchanted by the sudden entrance of a lone butterfly that flutters through the open window of Voldemort's secret lair. This causes Chester to start philosophising on the rudimentary principles of chaos theory.  
  
Chester- If a butterfly flaps it's wings somewhere in the highlands of Scotland in a location supposedly secret to muggles (although for sake of argument let's just say Aberdeen), will this, after a number of apparently ordinarily connected events (such as the wind blowing a conker off a tree and someone being knocked out by a piano falling on their head) and many very long and complicated equations, eventually lead to an earthquake in China?  
  
Sev, ever increasingly panicking, attempts to attract Chester's attention in as many ways possible that can be done by a man immobilised on the floor.  
  
Sev- Hmm, it appears that banging my head on the floor is not having the desired effect of attracting this dunderhead's attention. Perhaps if I try coughing violently.no, still not working.I just need to kill that darned butterfly, but how? Where is a damn crossbow when you need one? Ah ha, what if I try letting off wind in Morse code.that'll fulfil the double purpose of killing the butterfly and signalling to Spotted Dick that we need to leave.NOW.  
  
Sevs butt- *we.need.to.get.out.of.here*  
  
The butterfly slowly folds it's wings and drops to the floor, overwhelmed by the gases exuding from Sev's backside. Chester, apparently free from his reverie, sniffs the air, entranced by the welcoming odour before him.  
  
Sev- *Thank Merlin for those beans I had for dinner.* Chester, we need to leave NOW! Just head for that green light.  
  
Ten minutes later.  
  
Voldemort- (finally released from his polyester prison) Victory-is-mine! . Hello, anybody there? . Curses!  
  
Voldemort begins to regret having had that fire exit door installed in his secret lair.  
  
************************************  
  
In the mean time Chester and Sev are making their escape down a long winding corridor, Sev dragging his left leg behind him, followed by Chester and a gang of flying monkeys.  
  
Leading Monkey- (in monkey sign language) All I want from you is a banaaana, please come back!  
  
Sev- We have no bananas, just a few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom!  
  
Lead monkey- Ok, sorry to bother you mate *bloody humans and their melodrama*  
  
All of a sudden (as if they didn't see it coming) Sev and Chester reach the end of the corridor. Luckily, there is a large wooden door in front of them just begging to be opened. Unluckily however, the agonizing screams heard earlier when Tintin and Snowy were dragged away can still be heard.behind the door. Sev and Chester decide to take their chances, so Chester swings the door open and the pair dive inside, only to be confronted with a devastating sight.  
  
Snowy is lying on the floor wailing hysterically, with Tintin kneeling beside him.  
  
Tintin- He's inconsolable, there's no taramasalata in the buffet. Snowy- *cries* What's a buffet without no damn taramasalata? I begged them to put an end to my suffering but they just ignored me. I even offered to phone the deli but they just laughed in my face.so cruel. *his voice trails off*  
  
As snowy silently hugs himself in the fetal position Tintin gets up, wiping a tear from his eye.  
  
Tintin- What I want to know is why?  
  
Tintin- *screams* "Why????!!!" then makes as if to lunge down the corridor at Voldemort. Sev and Chester hold him back.  
  
Tintin- You bastard!!  
  
They struggle some more till Tintin finally gives up and regains his composure.  
  
Tintin- I'm sorry. I lost it. I just can't stand to see him that way.  
  
They all turn to look at Snowy who by now is rocking back and forth, chewing his hair and saying "Lovely, just the right amount of cods roe...and is that extra virgin olive oil I taste?..."  
  
**************************** 


	5. Chapter 5

BACK AT HOGWARTS  
  
Sebastian as you may recall has been left in charge of Snape's classes for the morning. A close up of Sebastian's face shows him to look reasonably composed. Well not too close, we don't want to scare you.  
  
Seb- So we've established that the purposes of unicorn hair are varied and useful. Marvin, can you tell me one of them?  
  
The view pans out and turns the other way round to reveal Sebastian hanging upside down, his feet tied to the chandelier in the middle of the room. A fire has started in the middle of the room, tables and chairs are overturned and any of the students left are committing vile acts of debauchery and random property damage. A draught fills the room as one of the Slytherins running amok jumps through a window. The chandelier begins to sway gently from side to side.  
  
Sebastian-*ginger hair swaying rhythmically*- Okay Marvin, sure you don't know? How about you Selina?  
  
Selina, an emaciated girl with long blonde ringlets, coolly flips Seb the v- sign before going back to stoking the fire she has started with some textbooks.  
  
Sebastian- You neither eh? Dear dear, how about you Pelinore?  
  
Pelinore, a very large boy with a copious amount of facial hair that makes up for his lack of brains, stares vacantly at Seb.  
  
Pelinore- 'ow should I know, I'm not the bleedin' teacher. It's for love potions isn't it?  
  
Seb opens his mouth to answer when suddenly the door swings open.  
  
A coolly calm baritone voice- Actually that's phoenix feathers.  
  
The Slytherin students stop in their tracks with that strange prescience of school children that can tell when they are in the presence of authority. Another voice, more youthful than the first joins in- Though powdered unicorn horn is a powerful aphrodisiac.  
  
Two figures step through the door. The first is obviously the baritone, about six foot one and broad shouldered, and wearing a long navy cloak. His symmetrical face is rather serious though undoubtedly very handsome. The second is an inch or two shorter, with a dark green cloak, a slender build and a pretty, youthful sort of face topped with curly brown hair. A mischievous smile plays upon his face.  
  
The Baritone- May I introduce myself. I am Fitzwilliam Firth.  
  
In one stride he goes over to Sebastian and crushes his hand in a powerful handshake.  
  
*With a smooth flick of his hand the youthful one simultaneously whips out his wand and uncoils the rope tying Chester to the ceiling, who lands on the floor with an oomph*  
  
The Youthful One- I'm not quite so polite as my colleague but I think that can come in handy. Orlando Bloomington.  
  
He walks over to help Fitzwilliam help Chester up.  
  
****************************  
  
IN THE MEANTIME  
  
Snowy is still rocking back and forth. Chester has quietly helped himself to the buffet and Severus is getting irritated.  
  
Sev- Oh pull yourself together man! *he slaps snowy round the face*  
  
It has no effect.  
  
Severus looks at him with distaste then wipes his hands on his trousers.  
  
Sev-.right, well I'm off, I don't know about you but I don't fancy being here when the Dark Lord has regained his composure.  
  
Tintin- *his voice grim* Well I'm staying here. I'll take him on, for the sake of Snowy and all that is sacred in the world of buffets and hors d'oeuvres. *his face is filled with nobility.or possibly heartburn*  
  
Sev turns and leaves, Chester scurrying after him.  
  
And so it was that Severus and Chester left Tintin and Snowy in the confines of Voldemort's secret lair while they themselves escaped through a strategically placed window leading out onto the road to Hogsmeade, on which they journeyed for a full fifteen minutes before finding themselves in the (relative) safe house of the Three Broomsticks.  
  
Sevvy peers out of a window cautiously (if not rather paranoid) checking for any sign of pursuit. Finding none he gratefully slumps into a chair.  
  
Chester- *pulls out a napkin from his pocket* Mini quiche?  
  
Severus looks at him witheringly.  
  
****************************  
  
BACK AT HOGWARTS  
  
Fitzwilliam and Orlando have managed to get the Slytherin students under control and are putting the classroom back into order while Chester looks on in an irritated fashion.  
  
Chester- Thanks but there is really no need for all this, everything was perfectly under control. So if you don't mind leaving me to my class now?  
  
Orlando raises his eyebrows at Fitzwilliam.  
  
Fitzwilliam- Well technically it's our cla.  
  
Seb- Goodbye then.  
  
Orlando- But we're the new...  
  
Seb- *very fast* asIsaideverythingisundercontrol,thatwasjustaslighthiccup. Nowifyoudont mindleavingmewithmyclassthankyouverymuch.  
  
Fitzwilliam- Honestly we're just trying to help you...  
  
Orlando- And you don't win an argument just by talking fast.  
  
Seb- Listen here you *pokes Fitzwilliam in the shoulder* and you *pokes Orlando in the shoulder* this is my class and I'll be damned if you two pretty boys are going to come in here and steal it. Who are you, the new P.E. teachers?? *said with a sneer* I am perfectly capable of controlling this class.  
  
Orlando- Well it didn't look like it before!  
  
Seb- Ooh and do you want to make something of it?  
  
Orlando- No, I'm merely saying that we helped you out!  
  
Fitzwilliam gives Orlando a warning look.  
  
Seb- *puts up his hands in mock boxer pose*- Come on then nancy boy! Lets dance! *he starts to prance about boxer-style*  
  
Orlando shakes his head in disbelief.  
  
Orlando- You can't be serious.  
  
Seb- I assure you I am deadly serious - with an emphasis on the deadly.  
  
Seb rips off his robes to reveal a black lycra unitard.  
  
Seb- Hold on a sec.  
  
He turns and seems to be fumbling around with something on his face. Finally he turns around to reveal a chalk white face, and strategically placed make up.  
  
Orlando- You don't mean.  
  
Seb- Yes, that's right! For five years I was a member of the Middlington Martial Mime Artists Association! Collectively known as the Maiming Mimers.  
  
Orlando- *trying not to laugh* Mime artists?  
  
Seb- Yes *he puts on a bowler hat* It uses the ancient art of mime in combat thus- *Seb mimes being trapped inside an invisible box moving closer and closer to Orlando until he is an inch away, then slaps him round the head *  
  
Orlando- *in between laughter* Ow! Seb- The sublime physical movement of the mime mixed with interpretive dance distracts the attention of the victim. *Seb then mimes a shark swimming in the ocean* Seb- .while strengthening the body leaving a deadly form of attack. * and comes round the back of Orlando and slaps him again*  
  
Orlando- Stop that!  
  
*Seb begins another mime*  
  
Orlando- Now look here, I don't want to hurt you!  
  
*Seb shows no sign of stopping*  
  
Fitzwilliam is looking on very amused.  
  
Orlando gives him a despairing look- I don't want to hurt him.  
  
Fitzwilliam shrugs resignedly.  
  
Fitz- Hold on, I'll be right back.  
  
Orlando- Oi come back here!  
  
Fitz has already sidled out of the room. Seb is doing something that looks like the dance of the seven veils.  
  
Orlando looks resigned- Ok, but I did say I don't want to hurt you.  
  
Seb- Bah, I'd like to see you try.  
  
As Seb comes up for another attack Orlando grabs his forearm and flips him over on to the ground.  
  
Seb- Arghh! Vicious! That really hurt!  
  
Orlando- *face looks stricken* Sorry, I didn't mean to *extends a hand to help him up*  
  
Seb- Ha fooled you *and attempts to give Orlando a Chinese burn*  
  
Orlando looks at him pityingly before twisting his arm behind his back and kicking him to the ground. Seb suddenly gets the worried look of a man who verily knows he is going to get a right royal arse kicking.  
  
*****************************************  
  
BACK AT THE THREE BROOMSTICKS  
  
Severus is still feeling a bit the worse for wear after the whole Cruciatus curse thing, as well as a bit edgy having just escaped from Voldemort's clutches, and is contemplating what to do next. Chester is sitting quietly next to him munching on a lobster.  
  
Chester- So what's your name?  
  
Severus looks at him. Then looks out of the window. Chester prods him with his elbow.  
  
Chester *a bit louder*- I said What's Your Name?  
  
Severus- I'm not deaf you blithering idiot. I was pointedly ignoring you in a cool sarcastic fashion.  
  
Chester- Oh.  
  
He looks at Severus imploringly.  
  
Severus- Oh for the love of...it's Snape. Professor Severus Snape.  
  
Chester- I'm Chester B. Humpledincker.  
  
Severus- *involuntarily flinches* So Chester, tell me what were you doing in You Know Who's secret lair.  
  
Chester- You Know Who? You mean that skinny guy with eczema and breathing difficulties?  
  
Severus- Yes him.  
  
Chester- I thought his name was Volleyball or something?  
  
Severus- Just get on with it.  
  
Chester- Well I was driving a lorry full of jam and crashed, then got kidnapped by Tintin and Snowy who were planning on selling me to Volleyball. He's some sort of Dark lord / evil wizard. Really into cannibalism.  
  
Severus- *ponders this for a moment, then*- You crashed, you say?  
  
Chester- Yeah, funny thing about it is normally I have Wednesdays off. I can't for the life of me remember why I was driving or why I crashed.all I remember is it was something urgent, I had to get somewhere and warn someone...*Chester's face creases in concentration, not a good idea as it causes a few pustules to burst. Severus quickly avoids the cascading pus and watches in horror as it burns through the floor*  
  
Chester- .and then suddenly I saw a figure in the road. Wearing black. Kinda dumpy looking.  
  
Severus suddenly looks at him- Dumpy you say?  
  
Chester- Yeah, and very dowdy. A bit of a frump really.  
  
What little colour there is has drained from Snape's face. Sevvy grabs Chester by the cuff.  
  
Severus- This is very important. Was the figure doing anything in particular that you thought. odd?  
  
Chester- Well now you mention it, yeah. It was twiddling at its neck in a curious gesture.  
  
Severus lets go of Chester and slumps.  
  
Sev- Oh shhit. 


	6. Chapter 6

BACK AT HOGWARTS  
  
All the Slytherin students have gathered around Professor Bloomington and Sebastian in a circle chanting "Fight! Fight! Fight!" Orlando executes a perfect flying kick and Seb lands heavily on the ground.  
  
Orlando *his voice full of pity*- Please stop. You're only doing yourself more damage.  
  
Seb- Never!!  
  
He leapfrogs on to Orlando's back, who calmly detaches him and throws him to the ground.  
  
****************************************  
  
BACK AT THE THREE BROOMSTICKS  
  
Severus looks like a man defeated. Chester looks very puzzled.  
  
Chester- So what's going on?  
  
Sev- You are a muggle, you wouldn't understand.  
  
Chester- No I'm not. I found out today I'm a squib.  
  
Sev- No surprises there then.  
  
Chester- It's not my fault. Things have gotten very confusing today.  
  
Sev is too tired to be very mean and nasty.  
  
Sev- *through clenched teeth* Listen up you moron. There are two worlds on this planet, the magical wizarding world and the non-magical - what we call "muggle" - world. The wizarding world keeps itself secret from the muggle world otherwise you lot would always be hassling us. Come to think of it this gives lot of scope for magical misunderstandings and mayhem, so much so that anyone, say, wanting to write a best-selling children's book with an empathic half-muggle hero would find it very easy. But I digress.some wizards aren't Good. They're Bad. You Know Who, aka Lord Voldemort, is one of them. They won't be happy until the world is enslaved under their feet.  
  
Severus suddenly sighs wistfully.  
  
Sev- Once I was like that. Part of Voldemort's followers - the Death Eaters. Good times, good times. Still, it doesn't last forever. I'm a double agent working for the other side now. Though apparently I've been found out.  
  
*As Severus has been talking a shadow has appeared on the wall next to them*  
  
Sev- You see things have gone from bad to worse since You Know Who married the evil Judemort. She's a nasty piece of work with a sideline in jam production and torture. That's who you saw last night.  
  
Chester- Er right. Severus.  
  
Sev- There've been rumours she's been up to something recently. It's all fitting into place now.  
  
Chester- Severus.  
  
*The shadow has enlarged to be made up of three figures*  
  
Sev- Shut up, I'm trying to think.  
  
Chester- I really think.  
  
Sev- Oh so you think now do you? And while you're thinking I'm going to get a drink.  
  
Sev stands up and turns around to be confronted by three hooded figures.  
  
First figure- *very camp voice* Hello, we're the Death Eaters.  
  
*************************************  
  
BACK AT HOGWARTS  
  
Sebastian is trying to get up from a prostrate position on the floor. He is being hindered by a pool of his own sweat. Orlando is looking unchanged but definitely remorseful. Some female students who are attempting to do an incantation with the room temperature in order to get Orlando to take his top off have made the room unbearably hot.  
  
Orlando- Listen, we both know I'm going to win. Miming isn't exactly a martial art anyway.  
  
Seb gasps and then narrows his eyes- Now its personal.  
  
He gets up purposefully.  
  
******************************************  
  
BACK AT THE THREE BROOMSTICKS  
  
Chester- *Makes a noise that conveys incomprehension and latent homophobia at the same time. It comes out something like - guh?*  
  
The three Death Eaters shove Chester and Sevvy out the door inconspicuously into the pub broom park. They all take off their hoods. The first is a smiley figure with long hair tied in a ponytail, the second has very high colouring and looks vaguely aristocratic, the third looks like an overgrown cherub with curly blonde hair and rosy cheeks.  
  
Death Eater with long hair- I'm reeally sorry to bother you guys you know, but we're just trying to get "pro-active" here. We were just feeling some positive energy back at the lair, you know? Anyway it's just so great to be here, like, you know? Out in the field. Really re-affirms your Zen.  
  
Sev- Wha..??  
  
Death Eater- Well I'm Brutus The Insane *he does a little curtsy*, that's Vlad The "Likes-to-stick-pointy-things-into-people" *he points to the aristo and then the cherub* and that one over there looking a little shy is Bloodaxe Bob. We like to think of ourselves as the new face of Death Eaters, oh and really we prefer Necro-consumers, ok? Ok then! Now your choice of murder weapon is.oh wait, I mean...Eternal-rest-ificator - Bloodaxe Bob made that up (Mr. Bloodaxe blushes prettily). Big rushes of love to Bob everybody!  
  
They all raise their hands, making heart symbols with their fingers and pointing at him.  
  
Bloodaxe Bob- Aww you guys.  
  
Brutus- Anyway, you have a choice between strangulation *waves a piece of rope*, chainsaw *Vlad revs one up a bit* or axe *Bob swings a very large one and smiles benignly*  
  
Severus is still looking at them aghast. Chester elbows him.  
  
Chester- Do something!  
  
Severus- I just can't believe it! Death Eaters?? Making heart symbols?? It wasn't like that in my day I can tell you! And what happened to the good old-fashioned Avada Kedavra??  
  
Ed- An unforgivable curse that instantly kills someone.  
  
Brutus- We know these things take time. Don't worry we brought along the guitar.  
  
Severus- I mean, the cheek of it. We were cool! They are a mockery of the word.  
  
Chester- Look if you don't do something we're going to die!!  
  
Brutus, Vlad and Bob in perfect harmony- "Someone's praying my lord kumbya."  
  
Severus splutters- Freakin kumbya??  
  
He gets out his wand  
  
Sev- Expelliarmus!  
  
All three of the Death Eaters are thrown backwards, ropes, chainsaws, axes, (and guitars) fly into the air and crash back down onto the unfortunate Death Eaters' heads.  
  
Sev- *sneers at them* - Pathetic. Let's go.  
  
He goes back into the Three Broomsticks leaving the Death Eaters unconscious on the floor. Chester hurries after him.  
  
***  
  
Sevvy strides purposefully towards the bar, his black cloak swirling in a magnificent fashion.  
  
*Husky voice*- Hello Severus.  
  
Sevvy turns round and curses inwardly. Madam Rosmerta the barmaid is leaning over the bar in a lascivious fashion. A reasonably sane and attractive woman, Madame Rosmerta had got it into her head that Severus was just a wounded little boy at heart who needed some tender loving care. And from her attitude a very grown up sort of TLC was indeed. Normally quite rational she somehow saw the sarcastic and bitter Sevvy as moody and Byronic. Sev had been fighting off her attentions for some time.  
  
Sev *curtly*- Rosmerta.  
  
Madame Rosmerta- I must say you do look.dashing today  
  
Chester grins and nudges Sev before whispering "oi oi" in his ear. Sev looks at Chester in barely concealed irritation.  
  
Sev- We need to borrow a broomstick. Fast.  
  
Madame Rosmerta- *Batting her lashes* Oh I do love it when you act so manly and forceful. *She giggles*  
  
Severus looks at her in undisguised disgust.  
  
Sev- When I said fast, I meant fast.  
  
Madame Rosmerta- *smiles at him* I'll see what I can do  
  
Voice behind them- She doesn't have any spare broomsticks you know.  
  
Sevvy swirls round.  
  
Sev-*impassively*- You.  
  
****************************  
  
OUTSIDE  
  
The death eaters are beginning to wake up. Brutus (the insane) wakes first and shakes the other two.  
  
Brutus- I'm afraid he used a wand on us guys.  
  
Vlad The "Likes-to-stick-pointy-things-into-people"- Jolly unsporting of him I think. We gave them a chance to choose their Eternal-rest-ificator and everything. It really hurts a chaps feelings.  
  
Bloodaxe Bob comforts Vlad as he sniffles into a monogrammed hanky.  
  
Brutus- Buck up guys. We can get through this. Have some patchouli oil.  
  
They all dab some aromatherapy oils on their wrists.  
  
Brutus- Isn't that relaxing now.  
  
He gets up.  
  
Brutus- However, not too relaxing guys. We gave them all those choices, we treated them fairly, and how do they repay us? Before, it was just another assignment, but they made Vlad cry so.  
  
* Brutus crushes his fists together*  
  
Brutus *grimly*- Now, its personal.  
  
****************************  
  
BACK INSIDE THE THREE BROOMSTICKS (don't you just love all these scene swaps?)  
  
Sev- What are you doing here?  
  
He is staring murderously at a beautiful young ginger haired woman wearing a purple robe that is attempting to cover a slinky black cat suit, but not having much luck.  
  
Madame Rosmerta- Would someone care to explain to me what is going on.Sevvy dear, do you know this.girl?  
  
Sev- No, not as such. I believe she attempted to rob my house once.then I bumped into her trying to get rid of some - no doubt stolen - booty in Borgin and Burkes a couple of weeks ago .so tell me my pretty, who are you and what are you doing here?  
  
The girl begins to speak. She sounds like she has come straight out of a Jane Austen novel.  
  
The girl- My name sir, is Elsie Waddleton.  
  
Chester sniggers.  
  
Elsie- Pray sir, explain why my name should fill you with such mirth? I was named after my great grandmother you know. I'm sure you wouldn't find it quite so amusing if you yourself were named after a beloved relative.  
  
Chester's face drops.  
  
Elsie- I see I have hit a nerve.so what is your name then young fellow?  
  
Chester- Chester B. Humpledincker. And before you ask, my middle name is Belfry.named after my grandmother. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have laughed.  
  
Elsie- My middle name is Dorcas.so I see we have something in common Chester Belfry Humpledincker. Let us not quarrel for we should be uniting against our common enemy: Voldemort.  
  
Snape- You tried to rob my house! How dare you think you can just waltz in here and act like an ally!  
  
Elsie- Oh but sir, if only you could understand my trials and tribulations. I steal only to provide for my younger sister. She is an invalid, unable to fend for herself after a most unfortunate accident involving a hippogriff and a spade. Oh sir, pray, have mercy on a poor gel - I mean giiirl - for I mean you no ill.  
  
Snape's composure drops and for a moment a tear can be seen welling up in the corner of his eye, only to swiftly replaced with a glint of fury.or possibly pity.  
  
Snape- Why should I trust you? You're a thief.and anyway, my father taught me never to trust gingers *recalls leaving Sebastian in charge of his fifth year Slytherins* Curses!  
  
Elsie- You are right, you have no reason to trust me *casually fans her face as if to say "ooh isn't it hot in here" and removes her cloak to reveal her feline curves*  
  
Although Sev's expressions rarely alter from the range of between irritated to downright livid, a look that says "I am now officially a broken man" now sweeps across his face.  
  
Elsie- *a look of triumph on her face* So here's the plan, we go outside and kick some Death Eater butt.I mean, ooh dear would you look at that, it is way past my bedtime sir, my skin may begin to whither without enough sleep, then how will I ever be able to find myself a good husband? We had better dispose of those feral imbeciles.Oh Merlin, how vexing this all is to me.  
  
Sev- Quite.but first, we must get Chester out of here, it isn't safe for him. This goon happens to hold the answer to Judemort's whereabouts and we can't risk losing him.but without any brooms.  
  
Madame Rosemerta- I believe I can help you with that Sevvie dear.Chester, come with me.  
  
Sev- Oh no, I dread to think what you might do to the boy. We need him in one piece Rosmerta.  
  
Madame Rosmerta- Do not fear Sevvie, he'll be quite safe with me *winks at Chester and licks her lips*  
  
She leads Chester away much to the horror of Sev. Little does he know however that Madame Rosmerta has Chester's best intentions at heart. Let's face it, even Rosie wouldn't want a piece of Chester, despite her nickname "the village broomstick" i.e. everyone's had a ride.or the village wand - everyone's had a spell with her.or the village spell book - no one can resist her charms.or the village owl - everyone's had a little present from her.in fact the list runs so long that by the time you get to "the village's Bertie Bott's every flavour bean - everyone's had a taste" you begin to think that maybe this writer is just taking the mickey. And maybe I am.but it's my story so there. All I am doing is trying to reiterate the fact that Madame Rosmerta is well known in Hogsmeade.for just like the village gardening implement, everyone's had a dig with this little hoe. However, do not fear for now is not the time for Chester to take a turn with Rosie (although right now he is busy slicking back his hair, puffing out his chest, and in general wishing he was slightly more manly than a Woody Allen impersonator). In fact, Rosie is actually helping him escape through that secret.sorry, *secret* corridor from the Three Broomsticks' cellar which, conveniently, leads directly through to Hogwarts. What a dear lass she is. Of course, Sev knows nothing of this secret corridor, and Madame Rosemerta wishes to keep it that way - she does good business with those Hogwarts lads, giving them a hand with their homework and all.*cough*  
  
Madame Rosmerta- Come on then Chester.  
  
Chester- But here is fine.  
  
Madame Rosmerta- But Chester, we need to get out of here.  
  
Chester begins unbuttoning his shirt revealing a ghostly complexion only ever witnessed whilst in the presence of.well.Sebastian and his mime mask quite frankly.  
  
Madame Rosmerta- *feeling slightly nauseas* Chester, no.  
  
Chester- But.  
  
Madame Rosmerta- No.just.no.  
  
Chester- Ok. Sorry.  
  
So as Chester is led away by Madame Rosmerta Sev realises it is up to him to defend Chester, Elsie, and his beloved drinking establishment from the New Age death eaters.  
  
It suddenly occurs to Sev that what he needs right now (apart from a stiff drink) is well.a couple more witches and wizards with him. As he is thinking what would be the best way to distract the Brady Bunch in order to make a run for it, he hears a scream outside. In horror he realises that Elsie has disappeared. *Mother of Merlin they've got her.oh well, savùùù Æ- 1?h°Ð/ °à=!° "°ì#? $?ê%° it.*  
  
Sev- I'm coming Elsieeeee! 


	7. Chapter 7

BACK AT HOGWARTS  
  
Sebastian is lying prostrate on the floor. There is evidence of a scuffle which, by the look of the footprints on the floor, involved him coming at Professor Bloomington with a chair and then tripping up and knocking himself unconscious. Orlando looks exasperated. He is kneeling down, and slaps Sebastian's face a few times.  
  
Sebastian *murmuring unconsciously*- Oh yes Rosmerta, yes.  
  
Orlando looks uncomfortable.  
  
Sebastian- Pour that butter beer baby.  
  
Orlando now looks both uncomfortable and repulsed.  
  
Sebastian begins to suck his thumb.  
  
Orlando sighs and goes to fetch a bucket of water.  
  
****************************  
  
BACK AT THE THREE BROOMSTICKS  
  
Sev races outside, only to find Vlad The "Likes-to-stick-pointy-things-into- people" lying face down, Elsie kneeling on his back digging her left knee into his spine whilst Brutus The Insane has literally gone insane, sitting on his backside whimpering like a lost puppy. Bloodaxe Bob is nowhere to be seen.  
  
Sev- Elsie, what happened?? Are you okay?  
  
Elsie- I'm fine. Had a bit of hassle with old Vlad here, but we're alright now, aren't we Vlad?  
  
Vlad- "Chousplah" which here means, "I would be happy to reply to your question (although it appears to be rhetorical) but right now I'm having a bit of trouble with my back, i.e. you are kneeling on it and causing me unspeakable agony."  
  
Sev- Where's the other one?  
  
Elsie- You mean the one with the axe? Oh, he's around.*her eyes convey a distant look*  
  
Sev- But I need to know where. I mean, it's all well and good saying "he's around" but that doesn't really help now does it? I mean, five hundred years ago the plague was "around" and look what a mess that got us into. So where is he? Did he escape?  
  
Elsie- Oh no, they never escape.  
  
Sev- Er, right.  
  
Elsie- He's over there, behind that rubbish bin.  
  
Sev goes to take a look.  
  
Sev- *cough* I see he's been taken care of.  
  
Elsie- Let's just say he won't be bothering us anymore.  
  
Sev- Come on, let's get out of here, there's bound to be some aurors lurking around, I'm sure they can sort out these three. We'd better go to Hogwarts and find Chester before Madame Rosmerta devours him.  
  
*****************************  
  
AT HOGWARTS  
  
There are a lot of bubbles hanging about in a bubbly sort of fug. Sebastian has been woken by the bucket of water and is now smoking a pipe in a strangely post coital fashion, his red hair in damp unattractive tendrils. He offers it to Orlando who declines. Sebastian sucks deeply on his pipe and blows out.  
  
Sebastian- So...how was it for you?  
  
Orlando- Well.er. *he desperately tries to think of something positive to say, being a nice guy, as well as good looking :D *  
  
Orlando- Well, you certainly.  
  
Sebastian- Had stamina? I did, didn't I.  
  
Orlando grimaces uncomfortably. Sebastian smiles in a proudly smug fashion. Then he beckons Orlando closer, who reluctantly complies.  
  
Sebastian- *whispers* Ginseng.  
  
Orlando- Pardon?  
  
Sebastian- I have it in my tea very morning.  
  
*He taps the side of his nose knowingly*  
  
Orlando- .right. Well, thanks for that. Oh, would you look at the time.  
  
*Orlando sidles out of the door and collides into someone*  
  
Orlando- Oh sorry.  
  
A quiet wise voice- Still in a hurry I see, just like you were as a child.  
  
Orlando- Albus!  
  
They embrace.  
  
That's right, its no other than the silver haired Headmaster of Hogwarts- Albus Dumbledore. Fitzwilliam is standing next to him.  
  
Orlando (to Fitzwilliam)- You took your time  
  
Fitzwilliam- Well, it's a big place. Took me a while to find your great- how many greats is it?  
  
Dumbledore (dryly)- I believe seven at last count.  
  
Fitzwilliam- Let's just stick with great uncle then. I see you got yourself out of the dilemma you were in.  
  
Orlando- Well, just about.  
  
Dumbledore spies Sebastian slumped against the wall.  
  
Dumbledore- Ah young Sebastian. How are you doing? I hear you've been a great help to the new substitute teachers.  
  
Sebastian attempts to say something coherent and meaningful. With emphasis on the "attempts".  
  
Dumbledore- Jolly good, keep up the good work.  
  
Dumbledore turns back to Orlando and Fitzwilliam.  
  
Dumbledore *shakes his head and lowers his voice*- Quite barmy I fear, very sad.  
  
He turns and smiles at Sebastian in an encouraging sort of way.  
  
Dumbledore- Now, if you two would come to my office, I'm expecting someone to unexpectedly come bursting in, bringing news that would interest you both greatly.  
  
Fitzwilliam looks at Orlando quizzically.  
  
Sebastian's nose twitches inquisitively, for as well as being a fool he is also a terrible gossip. Orlando shrugs. They both turn and follow him out of the room leaving Sebastian to heave himself up and stagger out after them. 


	8. Chapter 8

The statue of the one-eyed witch never looked quite so terrifying as when Chester appeared from behind her ugly backside after escaping from The Three Broomsticks and the gang of wayward Death Eaters. The paintings in the hallway made a run for it as Chester emerged, and even Madame Rosmerta had had quite enough of a poor chap for one night.  
  
Madame Rosmerta- Well Chester, I'd best be going, there's no one watching the bar for me - Merlin only knows what those punters have been getting up to in my absence.  
  
Chester- Well thanks for your help, maybe one day we'll meet again.and I'll be able to repay you for your kindness *he smiles a dorky grin and winks at her*  
  
Madame Rosmerta- *mutters under breath* And maybe I'll settle down with a troll.  
  
They part ways and Chester starts to walk down the corridor. Sobs are heard in the distance, and Chester shudders as he thinks of poor Snowy's plight. He rounds the corner and happens to bump straight into our auburn haired King of Katastrophe (sic) Sebastian, his face a dashing scarlet colour from exhaustion and embarrassment, which sets off the colour of his hair quite spectacularly.  
  
Sebastian *in an irritated fashion* - Excuse me, I am trying to get to somewhere.  
  
Chester- Er, sorry.  
  
Sebastian looks him up and down critically.  
  
Sebastian- I've never seen you around before  
  
Chester- Well I've never been around here before. I'm supposed to be going to see a man called Bumblebore.  
  
Sebastian ponders for a moment..  
  
Quite a long moment..  
  
Then he hits on an idea.  
  
Sebastian- Wait, that must mean.Dumbledore! I know the way to his office- If you want to go *he says shyly*  
  
Chester- Yes please.  
  
In each other Sebastian and Chester see the kindred spirit of the maltreated earnest fool.  
  
Sebastian- I'm Sebastian Snape by the way.  
  
Chester- I'm Chester B Humpledincker. Wait, did you say Snape? As in.  
  
A voice - Me.  
  
Snape is behind them standing with Elsie (who, as soon as Snape's attention is off of her, begins to file her talons in a bored manner).  
  
Snape- He, I'm unfortunate enough to say, is my nephew. I trust everything went well this morning Sebastian?  
  
Seb *stammers*- Of course uncle.  
  
Snape- We managed to dispose of the Death Eaters with no problem and then came after you Chester.  
  
Elsie- We?!? Ahem, I mean I am most grateful for all the help you have given me kind sir, it is beyond what a girl with no property and only a slender ankle to her name can repay.  
  
She bats her eyelids helplessly. Snape stares wistfully into her eyes. Chester clears his throat meaningfully. Snape snaps back to attention. Authors apologise for generous use of short sentences but feel that, from a writer's perspective, and given artistic freedom to do whatever they damn well want, these add to the tension to the scene.or something.  
  
Snape- Well, to Dumbledore's office. And quickly.  
  
He turns, his black cloak swirling in a malevolently majestic manner, and begins to hurry down the corridor. Elsie, Chester and Sebastian hurry after him.  
  
****************************  
  
DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE  
  
Dumbledore is seated behind his desk, waiting in contemplation. Fitzwilliam is leaning against a pillar, half concealed by the shadows, his arms folded in a silent cool sort of way. Orlando is sitting on an armchair with his legs up on Dumbledore's desk, sucking on some fizzing whizbees (bless his li'l cotton socks).  
  
Suddenly the door bursts open in an unexpected fashion as doors are apt to do in such stories.  
  
Snape swoops in to the room.  
  
Snape- Headmaster, I have very important news for you.  
  
He smoothes back an oily black lock that has unattached itself from the rest in a bid for freedom and a life without grease, his face a glorious rictus of self-importance and pomposity. A second later, Elsie, Chester and Sebastian arrive.  
  
Dumbledore- No doubt. Do tell us all.  
  
Snape looks at Orlando derisively. Orlando smiles at him in a benign, if very charismatic, way.  
  
Snape- I think that this is best heard in private sir.  
  
Dumbledore- It's quite all right, Severus.  
  
Snape spies the figure of Fitzwilliam concealed in a convenient patch of gloom in which he happens to be standing.  
  
Snape- But what about him? No doubt a bad sort lurking in the shadows.  
  
He turns around and sees Fitzwilliam properly for the first time.  
  
Snape-You!!  
  
Fitzwilliam- *quietly* Hello Severus.  
  
Snape looks utterly livid, his mouth open in a gaping fashion. The effect culminates in the sense that you would know what a goldfish (albeit a mutated black one with a penchant for ill will) would look like angry.  
  
Orlando looks up at him puzzled.  
  
Orlando- What's the matter? Aren't you going to say hello to your. *pregnant pause that seems very meaningful, everyone waits with bated breath*  
  
Orlando- *coughs* Sorry had to swallow my fizzing whizbee there *everyone gets exasperated, then the air fills with anticipation again.* Your.  
  
Orlando-*another even more pregnant pause (I'd say 8 months gone at least)* Sorry, sorry, it's stuck in my throat. *he makes a noisy coughing sound*  
  
By this time everyone is becoming irritated and stops listening.  
  
Orlando-.Your brother?  
  
Chester gasps, Elsie raises her eyebrows and Seb swoons with a faint mutter of "Fetch me my smelling salts". As no one rushes to catch him, like an autumn leaf breaking loose from a particularly unattractive oak tree he flutters and falls to the ground.  
  
************************************************ 


	9. Chapter 9

Severus' face is looking very pinched and drawn.  
  
Severus- *his voice hissing with barely concealed venom* Half brother, actually.  
  
Fitzwilliam goes over to him his face serious. He holds out his hand to Severus, who childishly slaps it away.  
  
Fitzwilliam *puts his hand on his shoulder*- Don't you think it's about time this whole thing ended?  
  
Severus looks at him for a long moment. Everyone is staring at the two, Elsie with a hard look of curiosity, Sebastian with one eye open from his prone position on the floor, and Chester with perplexity as he fans Sebastian's face.  
  
Severus brings his face very close to Fitzwilliam, who stares back unflinchingly.  
  
Severus *in a very quiet dangerous voice*- I swore that I would never forgive you for what you did and I will keep to my word until the day I die.  
  
He removes Fitzwilliam's hand curtly.  
  
Fitzwilliam- It wasn't my fault Severus.  
  
Severus *his face flushed a sickly green*- Then who's fault was it?!  
  
Fitzwilliam *quietly*- You know who's fault it was.  
  
They stare at each other for a moment. The air is filled with tension.  
  
Chester *in an inappropriately loud whisper to Sebastian*- Er, do you know where the little boy's room is?  
  
Everyone turns to look at Chester.  
  
**********************************************  
  
The tension has been broken in the room.  
  
Severus and Fitzwilliam have fallen silent. Everyone else in the room is burning with curiosity as to Sevvy's and Fitzy's little spat but they ain't talkin' and nobody's askin'.  
  
Dumbledore- Down the hall to the left, but if you could hold on for a moment I believe Severus had some urgent news to part with.  
  
Severus- Thank you Headmaster.  
  
He clears his throat.  
  
Sev- This rather insignificant boy who appears to be nothing more than a walking genetic disaster and a squib to boot.  
  
(Chester- aww, my ears are burning. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me.  
  
Elsie looks at him with a look caught between disbelief and disdain, as an emotional tear rolls down Chester's misshapen cheek)  
  
Sev- .is in fact much more. Somehow he has managed to find out. *pauses for dramatic effect*... where Judemort is.  
  
Dumbledore looks sharply alert and exchanges a meaningful glance with Fitzwilliam and Orlando- who's casual manner seems to instantly disappear.  
  
Fitzwilliam (sharply)- Are you sure?  
  
Severus- Well, it's in his mind somewhere, just where I don't know. Yet with a simple memory charm.  
  
Orlando-.. That will probably break his mind completely!  
  
Severus smiles coldly  
  
Sev- I think that's a price worth paying.  
  
Orlando looks at him half in disbelief. Chester is looking very nervous.  
  
Dumbledore- Though no one doubts that your intentions are good Severus, I think that there are other ways.  
  
Orlando looks at Chester intently who smiles nervously back. Orlando hasn't the heart to tell him that the gesture seems to have caused one of his eyebrows to fall off- at least he thinks it's an eyebrow.  
  
Sebastian takes a breath as if about to speak. Snape swirls round instinctively and glares at Sebastian who glumly exhales with a sad little poof sound.  
  
Elsie- Oh Master Snape  
  
Snape- Call me Severus.  
  
He attempts to smile, but his muscles rebel and he manages a sort of grimace. Elsie looks at him slightly confused. He stares at the floor, casually kicking his foot against it and twiddling his thumbs. The sudden strange juxtaposition between Snape, bad-tempered meanie and his sudden transformation into his alter ego, lets call him Sev, a shy romantic sort, seems somehow obscene. He keeps it up for a full ten seconds before giving in to his nature and sneering.  
  
Chester- What's he sneering at?  
  
Sebastian- Oh he just likes to sneer. You know in general. They say he was born with a sneer on his face and a malicious glint in his eye.but that turned out to be a terrible squint that blighted his childhood. He had to wear a patch over his left eye from the age of three to sixteen. You could say it left him a little bitter.and twisted.and yeah a little sadistic.and maybe part of him is evil.and sure he's done terrible things the average person couldn't imagine.and yeah he's really, really in to causing torment and insufferable agony.and maybe he should have been drowned at birth like the evil piglet in a litter who mentally tortures the other piglets and makes them feel ashamed to be pigs.and yeah he's bullied me in the past.and the present.and in all probability the future.and when all is said and done he's got a bit of a thing about Dark Arts.and at the end of the day if you were gonna choose who was most likely to be the Anti- Christ well no-one would blame you for choosing him.and plus he eats babies.  
  
Chester looks aghast. The expression causes a pustule to somehow, ignoring all laws of physics and decency, jump from his forehead to his chin, while his eyelashes go for a quick stroll on to his scalp.  
  
Sebastian- Ok I made that one up. But what I'm trying to say is.er.no.wait sorry, lost it. But I'm sure it was something to do with Uncle Sev being evil.  
  
Elsie butts in.  
  
Elsie- But doesn't he have any redeeming features?  
  
Sebastian thinks long and hard.  
  
Sebastian- Weeeelllll.... he does make a fabulous crème brulee.  
  
Elsie nods in appreciation. It seems to redeem him somewhat. After all mafia bosses who can cook up a first class lasagne are rarely single.  
  
Meanwhile, Severus got occupied by a piece of lint twirling through the air, and therefore missed his entire character assassination.  
  
Fitzwilliam and Orlando are discussing what to do.  
  
Orlando- Maybe some veritaserum.  
  
Fitzwilliam- No, no, I mean if the memory is as badly repressed as it seems to be, it wont be any use.  
  
Dumbledore is watching them discuss it with a slight smile.  
  
Dumbledore- You know I am a Legilimencer.  
  
Orlando turns round to look at him.  
  
Orlando- And you left it so long to tell us because?  
  
Dumbledore merely looks completely innocent. Now we aren't suggesting that Dumbledore has a somewhat sadistic streak.but remember he is an old man. 


End file.
